The Monster
by Sage of Eyes
Summary: In which the author totally wings his first attempt to write in third person in the longest time. A X-over with Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, Featuring the most terrifying creature to ever live. Crack mixed with raunchy humor!


The Monster.

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Disclaimer: I SHOULD BE GETTING PAID FOR THIS! …but I don't…

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Chapter 1 of 3

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The light of the sudden summoning faded from reality.

The two parties present unconsciously held their respective breaths as it did so.

The one about to be murdered was in possession of a certain artifact that would have summoned Arturia Pendragon to his world, bringing forth both kuudere badass and sexy in one complete package. Not much needed to be said that that was what was supposed to happen in this particular world.

The murderer to be, was actually preparing himself for the battle that was about to kill the boy before-

Crunch.

And just like that the mystical warrior who destroyed entire armies in his prime had his head disappear and his body thump to the floor. As lifeless as a sack of potatoes.

While the fact that a sack of potatoes was not the overall best metaphorical example, this author reminds his audience, that the potatoes within their musty cabinets are most certainly alive and seeking out light constantly. Alike a bag of potatoes, therefore, it isn't incorrect to imagine the body spasming on the floor, like a fish out of water.

…The author spends a bit of time looking at his explanation of the potatoes and the much better metaphorical device his hands just typed, he decides to leave it in due to the fact he's more than the slightest bit proud of the example.

Moving on.

The redheaded boy, unknowing recipient of the undying lust of more than most of his schools female population as well as promised by his father to a certain vice director of Clocktower, stared continuously at the twitching body before seeing it slowly disappear.

Then he noticed the very cute, fluffy rabbit that was nibbling on a rapidly disappearing head. Its coat pure white save for the dripping blood from its maw, which had thousands upon thousands of rows of teeth within it.

He decides the offer the beast a steak from his kitchen, and is rewarded by being placed under its protection.

It is a choice that the boy never regrets, though one must feel sorry for anyone who would encounter them later on.

Which, by the laws of plot, was indeed everyone and everything that held any matter to the storyline.

Poor bastards.

Yes, even the man known as Hercules that had been summoned to be Berserker only to be suddenly become Saber.

Even him.

Yes I know.

You read the summary, you wouldn't be here if you didn't know what you were getting into!

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"Emiya-kun." A purple haired teenager by the name of Issei approached the boy with an animal carrier at his side. Though he was most certainly a man, most of the women in the school saw him as an equal rival to Shirou's affections. "Tohaska is staring at you."

Shirou opened his mouth, closed it. Then opened it again, only to find the results were the same.

Indeed, the shock from the night before had yet to completely dilute itself from his features. Like a massive octopus in a Hentai movie, the metaphorical tendrils of the emotion was slow to leave his young, nubile body. Though the author sincerely doubts that particular octopus may be interested on the young man's orifices, there are plenty of mermaids out there with octopus for lower quarters instead of fish tails.

Go ahead, Google it.

This can wait.

Alright… done wiping yourself? Don't get that shit on the keyboards, 'kay?

The aforementioned young man in the poorly written sex joke could see, whenever he closed his eyelids, the spurts of blood issuing from the stumps that used to be Archer's body flying everywhere while Tohaska screamed like a baby. The tingling from his shoulder as his Servant launched itself from its perch, directly into the priest's eye socket. The incriminating look upon his form as the greatest of Greek heroes told him that he was practically cheating.

In his poor mental state, Shirou decided the best course of action was to reach for the animal carrier that had been growling ferociously since someone had entered it's space of killing.

Suffice to say, it had yet to ever stop growling. The thing's hunting range spanned the universe and certain Eldritch abominations were altering their courses the fuck away from the world that held such a beast.

Not that it would help them, the laws of physics betrayed them the moment the beast refilled the fridge it had emptied so more delicious food could be created for itself.

The creatures that had been alive since time immemorial would live to see another day… for now…

The animal carrier now at waist level to the boy, a sudden feeling of death overcame the boy, and he fell to the ground unconscious. There the boy joined the teachers that had previously attempted to tell Shirou that pets were not allowed in school.

The bell rang for lunch, and Shirou made his way up to the roof, the unknowing recipient of the attention of most of the women in the school. The photography club was snapping photos as he went buy, their club funds would rival the school's by the time they sold all of the pictures of our protagonists Adonis-like body.

Somewhere in Europe, a woman had the urge to kill the most powerful thing she could effectively hunt down, around the same time every day. She naturally attributed it to the horribly, misunderstood creatures of the night that prowled throughout the world, since her entire family hated them. Unknowingly the perverse energies towards her fiancé radiated enough to affect her in such a way that was similar to overprotective lovers.

The largest piece left of the next enemy she would encounter will be a strand of hair from the pinky finger, and in congruence to the fact that her fiancé wasn't anywhere near to relieve her of stress in ways the make most pornstars blush, she would remain angry for a couple more months until our protagonist made his way to the Clocktower.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves, we were talking about the bunker that Rin had set up in the middle of the school's roof in a futile attempt to make herself feel safe.

"Hello, Archer." Shirou greeted the torso that was propped up to the school's flagpole, a sword manifested itself and launched itself towards the boy only to disappear.

"…Hello, Shirou." The man grinded through his teeth over the sounds of chewed metal, from the animal carrier.

Shirou gave him a smile that would have made most girls drop their panties in a Nano-second, making Archer admit that he really shouldn't look his younger self in the eye.

It was just felt too damn weird.

"Is that Rin's bunker?" Shirou asked politely, pointing towards the construction of military grade steel studded with gems in key areas.

Archer was about to say something snarky, as he usually did in the face of great idiocy or, in this case, politeness, when he suddenly felt a light weight upon his shoulder and a massive red eye staring into the depths of his screaming soul. Rows and rows of teeth moved within the tiny mouth, and Archer could see the Animal carriers closed nature.

Right then, the man felt as if he was a broodmare being ferried into a cage filled with topnotch male racehorses.

Completely and utterly in for it.

Then it was gone, his younger self never noticing a thing.

Space and time was its bitch just like everything that treaded the world. It's mere existence held the world captive and it was making the world dance to the tune that it wanted.

Already, both the will of humanity and the personification of the world weren't planning on making it return from whence it came. Both the deities knew fully well that the beast would never allow anything to touch it's belongings, it would only take making sure the boy's blood made its way into the human gene pool permanently to convince the beast.

…to be completely honest about themselves , they were already planning on doing that.

"Yes, she is." Archer gestured with his chin towards the door, "The password is pleasedontkillmeplease."

"Thank you, Archer-san." Shirou gave a boy to the Heroic Spirit making the best of life hanging on a flagpole a bow and another smile. This smile was caught by a high powered camera, from five hundred yards away. The two girls manning it would accidently destroy it as all their clothes spontaneously fell of their bodies, the ground turned to mud and they fought for the camera thus making it so the world would never see the picture.

All for the better really, the beast within the case had no intentions on sharing its owner just yet.

Shirou entered the bunker, and was bemused to find no one within.

"RIN NOW!" Archer called out from the outside and the insides of the trap glew like the sun and was about to incinerate all that was within when…

It ceased to exist, and while that statement was totally badass the fact that this universe held itself far too seriously, will have me explain that that simple statement actually means that the mystical trap and all the energy channeled into it simply ceased to be real in an act that destroyed the law of conservation of matter.

Shirou Emiya stood in the middle of a place where a bunker used to exist, a twin-pigtailed Magus pointing at him with a trembling lip and tears running down her eyes. Archer started calling out compliments, but that did not stop the girl from breaking down and crying on the floor.

Shirou decided that it was time to feed his monster and left to go to his house.

When he closed the door to the roof he realized he had just closed the door to his house.

Like any sane individual holding a being beyond his comprehensions in a traveling case designed for cats, he simply gawked and moved to cook within the span of three seconds.

He returned to school just as the bell rang, a feat considering the fact he was sure he had just spent three hours cooking for the cutest and deadliest being in the universe that also happened to fit in the palm of his hand.

As for the being, it was decidedly enjoying itself immensely and the world allowed itself a breath of relief.

Which was pretty detrimental considering the fact that the action brought the full brunt of the beast's attention upon the poor thing once more. For the next hour, hundreds of psychics will vacate their offices and visit the closest bar to get absolutely hammered.

This would become traditional in the near future.

…

Shirou felt a weight settle on his shoulder immediately after the final bell rang, the lovable abomination of nature sitting contently upon his shoulder as he walked.

Then he reached his first crosswalk, and the bunny of death immediately looked towards the leftmost path. The amount of forethought that went through Shirou's head was absolutely nil as he began walking in the direction his bunny overlord had directed.

Several turns, a few destroyed cars, walls and a building later Shirou found himself in front of a castle he swore he did not see a few hours ago.

As his Overlord was staring intently upon the grand doors, as if they were challenging it in a futile attempt of grandeur that could not surpass it, he moved quickly to save the work of art.

He rang the door bell.

After he rang it twice, he met his overlord's smug eyes and gave a sigh of defeat.

The door disappeared revealing two women pointing a massive halberds in his general direction, (mustn't think of anyone as a threat…).

"Hello." He greeted with a smile, "I was just walking around and this place seemed interesting. Would you mind if I took a look around?"

They would've been stupid to say no.

…


End file.
